Dainty Lady Pens

Content Note: Sarcastic discussions of rape, women’s issues, aimed at satirizing misogyny. Also brief mention of home abortion.

So, the Sewing Goddess pointed me to this, and I have to say, I was about to lose my mind before reading the reviews.

BIC For Her Amber Medium Ballpoint Pen (Box of 12) – Black

That’s right, ladies! Those terrible, useless ballpoint pens that you used to fumble about with have been replaced by the BIC For Her series.

I really wish they had a picture of these pens, because I’m curious what they considered so significant that a female-targeted line of pens would be necessary. What pressing need did this address? What niche did it fill?

Fortunately, we have some comments that might explain it.

“Oh. My. God. I’ve been doing it all wrong. There was me thinking I didn’t need to worry about whether my writing implement sufficiently reflected my gender. Thank you so much Bic for showing me the error of my ways. Perhaps Bic will also bring out a new range of pink (or purple) feminine spanners, screwdrivers, electric drills and angle grinders so that I can carry out my job as a bicycle mechanic without further embarrassing myself? Luckily my male colleagues have managed to keep their disapproval of my use of their masculine tools to themselves. I’m so ashamed. And re-educated as to my place in society. Thanks again Bic!” – Butch McCassady

“Before I bought this product I couldn’t write but now I’m an engineer. Mind you, I only design pink, flowery bridges, motorways and sewers. Blue ones would be wrong wouldn’t they.” – I’m a Private Person…

“Practical and effective tool for hasty at-home abortions. I highly recommend this item, especially for women in the Southern States.” – JGerz13

And even some men showed their appreciation for this wonder of modern gender-specific information preservation.

“My mother, a hard-working woman who raised twelve kids single-handedly whilst doing all the ironing (as nature intended), was furtively abashed by her illiteracy. Long would she gaze upon her husband and sons’ scrawlings and would dedicate five minutes a day (which she really should have spent making sandwiches) to pray that one day she would be granted the ability to create such scribbles of her own. She’s still a little slow on the uptake, but this product has definitely helped start the ball rolling. We tried to give her men’s pens but she used to rip the cartridges out and drink the ink. Typical woman.

“Anyway, it’s good that BIC are finally doing something to aid the plight of women. Hopefully a range of ‘for her’ paperclips is on the horizon – my wife has an awful time keeping her recipes together.” – jonny

There are plenty more. Read them.

But now that we’ve solved that problem, how do we solve the problem of women themselves? Fortunately, the National Review is on this!

It is a curious scientific fact (explained in evolutionary biology by the Trivers-Willard hypothesis — Willard, notice) that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap. The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters. Romney has 18 grandchildren, and they exceed a 2:1 ratio of grandsons to granddaughters (13:5). When they go to church at their summer-vacation home, the Romney clan makes up a third of the congregation. He is basically a tribal chieftain.

Hear that, ladies? You’re slowly disappearing among the ranks of the wealthy and powerful. Oh, the irony that Bruno Bic is probably contributing to the disappearance of his special lady-pen demographic! And there’s no way for women to fight it because Evolution Says.

From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote. You can insert your own Mormon polygamy joke here, but the ladies do tend to flock to successful executives and entrepreneurs.

Hear that, ladies? In the National Review’s authoritative scientific opinion, you should totes be voting with your lady parts. Women love powerful men! So much so that they don’t much care what those men believe. Evolution Says you girls will vote for the dreamiest candidate so you can spend four years having chaste fantasies about holding his strong, executive hand. Presidential elections have basically just been a huge, extended game of Mystery Date since 1920.

And speaking of mystery dates, have you girls ever considered that your beauty routines are too not extensive enough? That perhaps it could be a problem that you’re maintenance level is sometimes never what would be really convenient for us guys? Or that we would really like it if you could naturally look the way we want you to all the time without having to use makeup? We’re not saying that you should be ugly, just that you should not engage in a beauty routine that takes any time or requires any cosmetics. At least, that seems to be the opinions of the 15 Great Male Authorities (we don’t tell you, but men decide every year which 15 men will represent our collective opinion) that were asked by Yahoo! News.

Now, I know, a lot of those bits of friendly advice are mutually contradictory, sometimes in three or four directions. It might imply that men are as diverse as women (also, that women are diverse, but that’s really stretching things) and we all might have our own opinions about what we’re looking for in a partner. This is, of course, foolishness. Things seem contradictory because your inferior lady brains are incapable of understanding the subtly of male thinking, which is also entirely instinctual when it comes to sex.

You’ll notice, I’m sure, that a lot of things have been said about you girls lately, mostly from us well-meaning men who only want the best for you and the incubator hidden in your body. Yes, it is increasing exponentially lately, a direct result of you not taking the hint over the past few decades that the freedoms you were given were really just to shut you up. Nobody expected you to actually do any of that stuff! Nobody thought that if we pretended to treat you like men at work that you wouldn’t just play along, for example.

But now we’re here to help. That’s why the 112th Congress has attempted to restrict abortion rights 33 times (more than any other Congress) and, in fact, made the third bill they considered an anti-abortion bill. That’s also why we need to make sure that when you say you were raped, you’re not letting your emotions get in the way or possibly lying. It’s why some of you even agree that occasionally some smacking around keeps you from acting like “chimps“. It’s why Congressional Republicans are holding up the Violence Against Women Act renewal as I type this, but that’s because it covers icky gays, foreigners, Native Americans, and students.

So no need to worry your pretty little heads. We’ve got this. If you want to do something, though, you can take your special lady pens and write your congressperson. Send in your favorite recipe. I bet he’ll love that.

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