CN: Rape, rape culture
I was reading my gReader feed today and came across this re-post from a friend of mine.
Men, are you worried for your own safety because misandry?
You need to accept that misandry happens in the real world and take some precautions.
Take a self defense class, they’re only a couple hundred dollars a month.
Don’t go out after dark unless you have a woman to chaperone you. Misandrists are less likely to attack if they see you are with another woman.
Don’t wear anything too douchey. If you’re wearing a fedora or a sexist t-shirt, etc. you’re pretty much asking to get attacked. Misandrists can’t control themselves when they see a man in a fedora, their instincts kick in and before they know it they have a dead male corpse in their hands. Just be a good boy and don’t tempt them, okay?
Don’t ever invite a woman into your home. Misandrists will interpret this as you consenting to physical violence.
Drinking increases your risk of being attacked by a misandrist. They target drunk men because their inhibitions are lowered.
Never leave your drink unattended. Misandrists are notorious for poisoning men at parties and bars.
If a misandrist does attack you, be quiet and just let her finish or you might anger her further and you are liable to get murdered instead of just mutilated. But also, be sure to put up a good fight because a lot of men say they don’t want to be attacked by misandrists but deep down, they really like it.
And remember, accusing a woman of abusive misandry is worse than being abused by a misandrist. So before you make accusations, make sure it wasn’t all just a silly misunderstanding.
The joke, obviously, is that there is no such thing as “misandry,” and these are all actual, real things that are told to women in order to “prevent rape.” I use “joke” here loosely as it’s actually rather frightening that all of these ridiculous and contradictory rules are put in place basically as an excuse to blame women for their own rapes, but obviously it’s meant to make a point humorously. As Witchy Weaver (all nicknames subject to change based on the desires of the nicknamee) pointed out after the re-blog, this is a daily reality for women, and the wording of this post is based on a serious warning to women from a few years ago.
Which brings me to a few days ago and for the first time I realized that I was, at least briefly, Schrodinger’s Rapist.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, the idea is that in a culture that minimizes the occurrence of rape, that engages in a constant, low level misogyny, that blames victims and makes their sexual history, clothing, etc., the focus of any rape accusation, and that makes it nearly impossible to actually get a rapist convicted, women are put in a position where they must, by necessity, assume any unknown (and often known) man that they encounter may be a rapist. In most cases, they aren’t, but if women aren’t prepared for the possibility and do get raped, odds are heavily in favor that they will have to jump through all sorts of unnecessary hoops to not only prove that they were raped, but also that they didn’t somehow deserve to be due to wearing a short skirt, having had a drink, not being escorted by trusted men, or any of the other ridiculous excuses we make. In other words, because of rape culture, all men must be suspect.
In my case, I was out at Old Town with a friend. It was early evening and we were in a shop there, wandering around, me reading blogs while she looked through strings of beads that she could use for embroidery that I am informed were an incredible price. Bead work is not my craft, so when I wasn’t reading, I was people watching, and that’s when I noticed a woman wandering around alone. I also noticed that her fly was down and thought somebody should tell her.
At first I said nothing, but eventually I leaned close and quietly informed her about her pants. I didn’t think I was too close, but it seems I was since she jumped back. This was not me startling her, I had said excuse me from further away and made sure she acknowledged me before approaching, but I saw the fear in her eyes. She was afraid of me, an avowed feminist who writes about rape culture and discovered a few days before in a BDSM scene that I can’t top a serious masochist, even in an entirely consensual scene, because the sound of crying that I caused makes me cringe and want to comfort the person. I may be verbally confrontational, but I’m not a violent person and have never even considered rape for a moment.
And you know what? She has no way of knowing that, so none of it matters. To her I was only the weird guy who probably hadn’t shaved recently enough that was coming very near her to discuss her pants.
I took a step back, apologized, and moved on.
I’ve been in this game long enough to have been familiar with the concept, and I have no doubt that there have been several times in the past when some woman has thought that I may be a potential rapist and prepared herself just in case, but never have I seen it so very starkly.
Keep in mind, this is not a “poor me, some woman though I was a threat when I totes wasn’t” post, but rather a reflection on how serious this problem is and, hopefully, an example of how to handle it. I backed off because I don’t take personally a woman’s reaction to a culture that does not want to protect her, that holds her immediately suspect and treats her sexuality as common property.
We can also look at the other side of that, though. On the execrable A Voice for Men, we see an example of the whiny, privileged, self-entitled bullshit response that stories like this often provoke. No, I won’t link to that rotting cesspool, but you can Google the quotes if you really would like to see the full context.
First thing’s first, the perpetuation of the “making themselves victims” myth. Emphasis theirs.
I’ll say it again so I’m absolutely clear: it is abuse of women. How so? Because it helps reinforce and ingrain an enculturated fear of men. In other words, even though all available evidence shows that men are as likely if not more likely to be the victims of violent assault, including sexual assault, and despite the mountain of data on women’s violence against men and boys, this essay sends a relentless message that women should live in fear.
I didn’t remove any links to supporting studies or documentation. Dean Esmay, the MRA who wrote this, simply neglected to provide any support for his assertion that “all available evidence shows that men are as likely to be the victims of…sexual assault.” Most likely he didn’t provide citations because the claim is absolute bullshit, unless somehow “one in four” has started equaling 3% (MRA math!)
But more to the point, this little excerpt demonstrates pretty thoroughly the rape culture narrative that the problem is never rape, it’s talking about rape. You see, if you are raped, it’s important to get over it as quickly as possible, lest you “make yourself a victim”. If you are ever on guard against rape, you’re victimizing yourself and telling the world that men can’t be trusted. Of course, if you are raped, you should have been more prepared. This is the world that MRAs like Esmay live in, and it’s one where women can’t win.
Esmay then goes on to post a transcript of a video done by the fairly useless John the Other. John, in his infinite wisdom, spends several minutes whining about how unfair it is that he’s suspect when he and most men have never raped anybody.
Here, you have exceeded your rights. Obviously, as a merely possible man, my potential is open, my self undefined. But it is mine to chose, not yours. Who or what I am, when realized, when observed, when I transit from probability to reality, that is mine. I will decide, you will not. I may, when I’ve done so, tell you who and what I am. However, I also might not, that is my choice as well.
Do not presume to trespass on my identity.
It is my own.
Boo fucking hoo, John. The man is so upset because women are “defining” him, even in their own minds, and that’s so very not fair. And, as we know, rapists are generally very clear about their identities, though often the way they share that little factoid makes its disclosure too late. As we also know, women don’t have the right to their own thoughts. John the Other will tell them wimmez what they should think about him. Not being a woman, I suppose I’m free to define him as an asshole.
What the self-styled martyrs at AVfM want you to believe is that there is a matter of principle involved here, that the very act of holding strange men suspect is an unspeakable offense that somehow takes away their agency. Again, this is absolute bullshit.
I was very briefly Schrodinger’s Rapist earlier this week. I knew my intentions, but the woman I spoke to did not, and while I have never done nor ever will do such a thing, I accept that we live in a culture where it’s not worth taking that risk. As a decent human being, I backed off to make another human being more comfortable because it was literally the very least I could do. This random woman wasn’t “making herself a victim,” she was avoiding being made a victim in the best way she could, which means eternal vigilance. Until such time as we live in a world and a culture that holds men and women of equal value and takes rape seriously, I am going to have to live with the fact that I will be considered a potential rapist until such time as I am not. It’s a world worth fighting for, and one that will never be won so long as speaking up is considered a perpetuation of victimhood.
UPDATE: The Sewing Goddess brought up a good point: in this case, I probably should have asked my female friend to inform the woman in the store about her fly. Will have to remember that for next time.
Yikes. Is it just me that reads your quote of John as vaguely threatening. “Only I will decide if and/or when to reveal whether I am a rapist.” Um… what? I don’t think I wanna be around for that reveal.
It absolutely read as threatening. And of course the way rapists reveal themselves is not changing their Facebook status, it’s raping somebody, at which point it’s too late and John can blame the victim for not doing everything in her power to stop him (or the potential rapist) from raping her. All tied up in a neat little bow.
Dammit, that makes me rage-sad.
You and me both.
Maybe you could’ve also got her attention from a distance and just signaled something to her. I think getting her attention, crossing the distance between you then coming in close to whisper might have made it more…dramatic than necessary.
But you didn’t really do anything wrong.
Also a good point. I do have a habit of over-dramatizing things at times. It’s a good thing I didn’t have a trench coat, fedora, and sunglasses, or I really would have made an unnecessary production.
You’re right, I didn’t do anything specifically wrong, and I think that was part of my realization. Her fear was not a reaction to me, it wasn’t about what I did or how I did it. It was a reaction to our culture and the constant state of fear she has to live in if she has any hope of being taken seriously should something terrible happen. I didn’t take it personally, unlike the AVfM crowd, because I know she wasn’t jumping from me, she was jumping from the person I could have been and, more to the point, the additional pain she would have to endure if I turned out to be a rapist that is piled on in addition to being raped.
The other interpretation is that women are being taught that they are in constant danger of imminent rape, and therefore that they must be on constant guard. I don’t put my eggs totally in either your (the Schrodinger rapist) position or in the other, MRA, basket. I think there is some truth to both sides. Rape is often not taken seriously, and woman are also having the shit scared out of them by a certain amount of hysteria. I do comport to much of the SR prescription for behavior, and I’m not one of those men who doggedly insist that they should never alter their behavior, no matter how it might appear. I do avoid walking behind lone women. I do try to come off as nonthreatening. However, in keeping with the current trend in helicopter parenting, we’re becoming a scared shit-less society, and I can’t help thinking that some of this is overreaction. I have myself experienced several instances walking to my car in parking lots while women frantically lock their doors on my approach. I mean, yes, I feel for these women. They’re suspicious, scared and paranoid. The slight against me is less than an actuality of rape, but make no mistake, there is another travesty here, and it’s one that is easily lost in the debate since we’re dealing with such a monumental crime. However going through life considered a threat, and dangerous, a monster, is an issue. It’s by far a lesser issue, but it’s an issue. I wonder if the sometime irrationality in MRM might be slightly assuaged if we just admit that this is a double sided tragedy, and acknowledge that SR makes men feel like shit too.
I’m disinclined to describe women’s paranoia as overreaction or being suspected of potentially being a rapist a tragedy. When one in four women will be raped sometime in their life, that’s not unreasonable to be consistently suspicious, especially when only a tiny fraction of rapists will see prison time and most of those women will be blamed for their own rape. If you’re saying that we can stop teaching women that the first question they hear after being raped is “What were you wearing?” or some variant on that, however, I am with you in that we teach women to be suspicious.
I also wouldn’t be so quick to describe women’s paranoia as a travesty, at least in regards to you or I. Think of it this way: do you trust that everybody you see has good intentions, even without meeting them? Considering the stuff I mentioned above regarding rape rates and victim blaming, it’s an entirely rational reaction that in no way hurts me except in the sense that I am hurt that we live in a world where this is necessary. In my particular case outlined in this article, it was a shock to see how afraid this woman was of me just by reflex, but I don’t consider that a personal tragedy.
And as to assuaging MRAs’ irrationality, you really do have to cut through the rhetoric and realize that they’re not fighting to be treated fairly, they’re fighting to maintain their privilege. Most MRAs are not rapists, but they certainly don’t want to do anything about rape culture because rape is used as a punishment for women who don’t fit into the masculine/feminine narratives that they so very much want to believe in. It’s an implied threat that if women don’t live up to the contradictory standards people like John the Other establish, then they will be violated. Oddly enough, this t-shirt sums up those contradictions fairly nicely. So no, I don’t think placating their little feelings will in any way stem the flow of stupid that comes from the MRM.
That all being said, I think you’re right that there is a travesty that affects men and women when you look at rape culture, in that it reduces us to our sex organs. It presumes women to be communal property unless they go to extreme lengths to exempt themselves, and it presumes men are mindless sex machines, wholly unable to control themselves the moment they get an erection. However, this is less the fault of specific people and more the result of a culture that attempts to control women by casting men as monsters, like a cultural fairy tale telling women to not go into the metaphorical woods by straying from their particular societies’ standards of behavior. If they do, they’ll be eaten (raped) by a monster (man).
Glad I stopped back. I began to wonder if this wan’t a dead post.
Yes, I’ll back way off “tragedy.” Bad choice of words. While being misidentified as a monster while traipsing through the parking lot made me feel very bad, as I’m sure did your episode for you, it’s hardly tragedy. These are just very awkward situations. What do you really say or do? Any attempt to apologize is probably going to just freak them out even further, so your best option is really just to remove yourself from the situation as fast as possible. So I’m probably an above average zealot of SR avoidance. Then again, how far do you go, and at what point does pandering to fear actually become an insult to the women you might happen upon? We might arrive at the ridiculous end of dashing across streets or ducking into alleys before we’ve been seen. At what point does the avoidance of creepiness wrap around and become creepy itself?
For all that, though, I do try to avoid as many encounters as possible, but this kind of blanket behavior I’ve adopted is probably due to a certain amount of social ineptitude on my part. Attempting to correct a wardrobe malfunction? No way in hell. Just let it go… But by doing this I realize I’m contributing to the fear factor. The avoidance technique is not a solution. Anyone who has ever dealt with fear in a clinical setting knows that pandering to it only ensures that the next episode will be twice as dreadful. Trying to not be that Schrodinger rapist is not going to do a single thing to lower the rate of rape unless you think the endpoint of the avoidance strategy should be no casual social encounters at all. In other words, all those men who have not dashed across the street will be, by default, probable rapists. Yes, this would give women an edge over possible rape, but at what social cost?
I don’t entirely agree with your assessment of MRM, although I admit that I’m not an expert. I do think there’s a lot of crazy there, and offensiveness, and hate. I like the “idea” of MRM, but I have a feeling the present one would need to be scrapped and a new one built from the ground up. There’s nothing inherently misogynistic about the idea of men wanting to improve their lot and that of boys. Much of the present hate coming from them stems, I think, from the libertarian idea that they (men of the MRM) should not have to make any concessions whatsoever in the battle to end rape and other abuse against women. I hope it’s evident from my comments that I don’t agree with that at all.
I like the “idea” of the Men’s Rights Movement too. Unfortunately, it’s been co-opted by people who seem to think that helping men has to include putting down women, like it’s a zero-sum game. (Interestingly, I run into the same thing with White Supremacist groups, about which I know more than any person really should. One of the complaints these groups often voice is that society doesn’t “allow” white people to celebrate their own European heritage without being called racist. Which is patently untrue; I engage in a lot of activities that celebrate my European heritage. Case in point: the Highland Games. But these people don’t recognize that, because in their mind, “celebrating your heritage” has to include “insulting other people’s heritage.” There’s no room in their philosophy for “my culture is cool and so is yours, let’s both celebrate both of them and learn more about ourselves and each other!” But I digress.)
I will admit, sometimes having men preemptively recognize that they may be SR can be a little unnerving. The other day I was getting the baby out of the car – a herculean struggle, involving having my ass sticking halfway out of the car door while I wrestle with bags, straps, toys, binkies, and a squirming baby. When I paused for breath, I realized there was a man waiting to get into the car next to me, standing back a ways. My first thought was gratitude that he hadn’t crowded me while I was fighting with a car seat; my second was chagrin that I was blocking his path, and I started to apologize. He smiled, and said something along the lines of “Oh, no, I just didn’t want to make you nervous.”
And… rationally, I recognize that he was being nice, and that most women would want him to act that way, and that I’m the weird outlier, so the gracious thing to do was to smile and thank him, which I did. But it kinda hit me like a slap in the face, like a combination of “Oh, thanks for the reminder that as a woman, I could be attacked at any time,” and “You think I’m scared of you? Pfft; I’m a mother defending her baby, I could take you or anyone else out in a heartbeat.”
Which… I am well aware is not an adult reaction to have
But despite occasional evidence to the contrary, I’m not always an adult, so it’s the reaction I DID have.
I have a hard time identifying with the SR mentality, because it’s really not anything like how I view the world. I don’t worry if random people are going to hurt me; I bloody well EXPECT them to be decent human beings, and I expect it HARD. (Imagine the above being said with the same stern expression as a teacher informing her class that she EXPECTS them to behave. Yes, I occasionally see the world as one big unruly room full of fourth graders.) It’s a strategy that’s worked for me so far, and so when people talk about that ingrained, taught fear, I’m often left bewildered, like “Why… why would you distrust Random Dude? You don’t even know him!”
However… I am not everyone, and my experiences are not everyone’s. And while I don’t think the answer is to avoid all social contact whatsoever, I do think it’s important to remember that some people DO have very good reasons for being afraid. If someone responds to you with fear, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person, and it doesn’t mean that you should never approach anyone ever again – it just means that this one person was not comfortable around you, and THAT IS OK. Be aware that it happens, take reasonable precautions to avoid it, and if it happens anyway, do both yourself and the woman in question the kindness of shrugging it off and moving on with your life.
It’s not your place to decide whether a woman’s life is unfairly limited by our culture’s inaccurate message of paranoia about stranger-rape or whether women have something to complain about, unless you’re a woman and actually know what you’re talking about.
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Schrodinger’s Maneater is not about “all women are evil.”
It is not even about “all women are potentially evil.” All women are, in fact, potentially evil, in much the same sense as all men are potentially evil, and all brunettes are potentially evil. All people are potentially evil, because evil is not a function of anything about a person except the fact that they do evil things.
It is about “a very significant proportion of men will, when you approach them, be assessing whether you are going to be That Crazy Bitch…”
…That Crazy Bitch makes up only a tiny percentage of women. However, she has poisoned the well for everyone else.
I think a lot of women underestimate the fear most men have around relationships of any kind. For instance, I am the happiest little stud you could ever hope to meet. However, I would never date or have sex with a woman whom a friend, or a friend of a friend, didn’t vouch for, because she might lie about being on birth control and ding me for 18 years paying for a child I didn’t want, or cry rape the next morning when her boyfriend demands to know where she was all night, or only be after my wallet, or take me for everything I have or care about–including my kids–when she’s done with me. On a rational level, I know the chance of me getting screwed over in some way because I slept with or entered a relationship with a woman is about as likely as me…well, actually, it’s getting likelier all the time. Huh. I mean, on an emotional level, I want intimacy with a woman, but my powers of observation and sense of self-preservation associates “sexual involvement with women, whether I know them or not”, with “getting fucked over, maybe for life.”
Hello.
Some years ago, whilst discussing gender identity in a tutorial group, the professor described the way in which gender can sometimes be at the forefront of people’s minds/attention whilst for others it’s race, sexuality, age, etc. I offered that I was often hyper-aware of my gender and often felt vulnerable in social situations/public. I have a serious case of Schrodingers rapist paranoia. I am cautious of most men. She asked if we (the women in the class) were to pull up at a stop light and in the car next to us were a group of men, would be immediately be aware of our gender or something else. One girl huffed that she is never aware of her gender, never feels vulnerable or nervous around men and that we are sexist if we do.
Maybe I read too much true crime so am often hyper cautious.
Well written.